The Kardashian Effect

By now you've probably heard that Kim Kardashian and NBA star role player Kris Humphries have filed for divorce. The sudden news stunned and saddened millions of zero Americans around the country, and has spawned conjecture and criticism from the media that Kim was in it solely for the money as she earned $18 million for the rights to broadcast her wedding. As easy as it is to kick someone while they're down, we should instead focus on Kim's positive contributions to society in something Fox Sports has termed The Kardashian Effect:   

The free-agent forward [Humphries] had the best statistical season of his NBA career during the time he dated Kardashian, posting career highs in points per game (10), rebounds per game (10.4), assists per game (1.1), blocks per game (1.1), field goal percentage (.527) and minutes per game (27.9).

Kim K's mysterious rejuvenating qualities don't end at Humphries either, as NFL players Reggie Bush and Miles Austin also reaped the benefits:

Bush, who dated Kardashian on-and-off from 2007 through 2010, won a Super Bowl with the New Orleans Saints while with her.

And then there's Cowboys' receiver Miles Austin, whose two week roll in the hay with Kim K. yielded a substantial payout:

At the tail end of their relationship Austin signed a six-year, $54 million contract extension with the Cowboys.

In addition to the big payday, Austin caught 20 passes for 288 yards and a touchdown during the two regular season games that coincided with their relationship.

In the spirit of all the positive mojo gained from the Kardashian Effect, THMG presents 4 athletes/sports personalities that need to date Kim Kardashian:

Albert Haynesworth

This ex-pat's short stint on the waiver wire is more a sign of things to come than an aberration. Al and Kim have more in common than you think, both are petulant and have a wide base, but I'd give Kim the edge when it comes to stopping the run (i.e. tackling Reggie Bush).

David Stern

Facing the prospect of no pro basketball till after Christmas, the best way to expedite the negotiations would be to argue less about BRI and instead welcome a little KIM into the equation.

Fresno Pacific University guard Lenny Young

After being dismissed from the basketball team for a violation of team standards, Young went on a bender that Y! Sports  described as a "naked rampage." 3 taser strikes, 1 bite from a police dog, and 1 failed carjacking attempt on a police cruiser later, the stark naked player was finally subdued. They say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, and no one has parlayed being naked into fame quite like Kim Kardashian.

Peyton Manning / the Indianapolis Colts

This one's a no brainer, Manning needs the vertebrae in his neck to fuse, and Kim often appears confused, it's a match made in heaven.

Source Fox sports via friend of THMG, RajBaj

NBA cancels first 2 weeks of season, sales of Rosetta Stone skyrocket

In a move that is surprising only to people who believe in unicorns, Santa Claus, and the inherent good of mankind, NBA commissioner David Stern announced the cancellation of the first two weeks of the regular season.

Stern stated that both sides are "very far apart on virtually all issues. ... We just have a gulf that separates us."

The move means that basketball won't be played until after November 14th at the earliest, but more importantly leaves millions of American basketball fans scrambling to gain fluency in Italian, Turkish, Chinese, and Russian to follow their favorite NBA players in Europe and Asia (see ESPN's guide to overseas player movement). As a service to readers, THMG has included a handy guide of useful phrases to get you through the harsh Russian winter:

Hand down, man down!
Italian: tramandare uomo a terra!
Turkish: adam aşağı elini aşağı!
Russian: руку человека вниз!
Chinese: 上下人的手下來！

Mama, there goes that man! 
Italian: Mamma, ci dice che uomo!
Turkish: Mama, bu adam oraya gider!
Russian: Мама, что там идет человек!
Chinese: 媽媽，有雲，人！

I thought flopping was encouraged in this country?
Italian: Ho pensato flopping stato incoraggiato in questo paese?
Turkish:  Flopping bu ülkede teşvik edildi düşündünüz mü?
Russian: Я думал, на флопе было предложено в этой стране?
Chinese: 我想假摔是在這個國家的鼓勵？ 

Excuse me, where may I park my diamond encrusted Bentley?  
Italian: Mi scusi, dove posso parcheggiare la mia Bentley tempestato di diamanti?
Turkish: Affedersiniz, benim elmas encrusted Bentley nereye park edebilirsiniz?
Russian: Извините меня, где я могу оставить свой золота инкрустирован Bentley?
Chinese:  對不起，我的公園我的鑲滿鑽石賓利的？

What is the quickest way to get to Amsterdam? 
Russian: Qual è il modo più rapido per arrivare a Amsterdam?
Turkish: Amsterdam almak için en hızlı yolu nedir?
Russian: Какой самый быстрый способ добраться до Амстердама?
Chinese: 什麼是最快的方式得到阿姆斯特丹？